So it has been quite a while since I've written anything on here. I guess the main reason is because I already try to write everyday in my physical journal that to write here just seems pretty redundant. But anyways I will do an update kind of post because it's been months since my last entry.
A lot has changed. I'm moving into an (my first) apartment on Sunday! I finally was able to move up at work and it affords me to be able to live on my own without roomates. No I won't be able to see 3 movies a week or eat out each night. I'll have to budget out everything. But I can make rent, my metro pass, my phone bill and my student loans and still have enough to buy groceries and other necessities each month. And I think that is the number one thing really. It's 850 a month and heat, water and electricity are included! Yes this does mean that internet is not (obviously) and I'm not going to be able to set it up until November because there will be too many first expenses to do.
My dad has said though that he will get me my mattress as a house warming gift :O and my aunt said that she will get me a small decent tv for christmas :O :O and my mom is planning to get me a coat/shoe rack/bench thing if the dimensions fit :O. I am honestly so floored away because I wasn't expecting that! My plan was to continue using my bed (its a sofa bed) and then in January with my vacation pay from work to use that to buy my mattress (and my sofa bed will become my couch eventually) But this! I couldn't have expected this!
As excited as I am though it's really been hitting hard for me the fact that I am actually moving out for real this time. Like there's been instances in the past where I could have but financially I was just not solid enough. But now that I am able to it feels completely different! And it's been hard. It's been hard packing away my room. Right now my room consists of a few clean clothes to get me through until Sunday and my bed and the plants that get packed last in the truck. There is an echo in my room and it's been weird.
It's been years that I've been yearning to move out. Ever since 2006/2007/2008 where my relationship with my parents was just nothing but screaming matches. We have gotten better....or more tired and exhausted? and now ironically enough we're in a better place than we've been. So I feel pretty weird and odd at the fact that I am going away now. My dad is going through a rough time as I can tell. We actually had a really sentimental moment that was genuine and one that I've got to say I wasn't expecting. We haven't had a moment like that in like.........years. Probably since like 2000 or something ridiculous. He leans against my door frame and looks at me and says, "You know that if things don't turn out you have a place to come back to always." Yup it tugged at my heart strings!
It kinda makes me feel.....guilty? That I'm moving out? How sick is that? A thing that I used to pine for after is now something I wish I could avoid! What's wrong with me? But the truth is I need this for me. I need my space. I need space to grow. The truth is this: I'm terrified to be living on my own because now when I have my bad days.....I have nothing stopping literally like my parents sleeping in the other room or family dinners or you know..constant interaction. So I've been working on my coping skills but it's been so tough!
If there is one thing that is hard is having to work on yourself and building yourself back up. I had a complete breakdown two weeks ago. I was on the RT and I started bawling. I was feeling pretty shitty because of this cold thing going around and my body completely had no energy left. I started bawling because a) my head had been hurting for 3 days straight and b) my thoughts about myself and my body and pretty much everything about me was so freaking negative. I was wearing sunglasses thank god and my stop was next and was able to somehow keep myself together until I got home. Where I flung myself into bed at 6pm, wept for a bit and then passed out because of my body being exhausted and I woke up the next day at 9am. I've been picking up my pieces and climbing the ladder out of my blackhole once more.
I'm hoping that by moving out I can turn to good habits. Because of my budgeting I'll be eating all meals homemade and of course that makes it healthier. I'll be able to do a weeks worth of meals and portion them out in the fridge. I can stock my cupboards and fridge however I want to. No longer will I need to open the sweet/junk cabinet to get to the tall glasses stored on top! God that's going to be so invigorating. I can cook at whatever time of day! I can shower anytime at night. I don't have to worry about the person sleeping in the room. Oh god, I can't wait for that!
God it'll be so freeing. I can dedicate a part of my bedroom because it is pretty big into a workout area! My living room is where I'll be at most of the time anyways. My friend is creating me a foldable dining table where the table top hangs on the wall as an art piece almost. and the legs detach and I'll hide it under the sofa bed. Then I'll buy 6 folding chairs and hide it under the sofa bed as well. Because my place is tiny its either I have a dining room or a living room and because I won't be needing the dining table all the time that's what I'm going with. My sister is making me a custom coffee table as my gift from her The table top will feature...a sequence game board. All that I will have to do is make some game chips of buy game chips in the same colors and I have a game right on my table! That'll be awesome for get togethers and stuff.
Okay my hands are beat. And I have work at 9 so I should be heading to bed!