In my life, why do I

smile, to people who I would much rather kick in the eye

long time
So it has been quite a while since I've written anything on here. I guess the main reason is because I already try to write everyday in my physical journal that to write here just seems pretty redundant. But anyways I will do an update kind of post because it's been months since my last entry.

A lot has changed. I'm moving into an (my first) apartment on Sunday! I finally was able to move up at work and it affords me to be able to live on my own without roomates. No I won't be able to see 3 movies a week or eat out each night. I'll have to budget out everything. But I can make rent, my metro pass, my phone bill and my student loans and still have enough to buy groceries and other necessities each month. And I think that is the number one thing really. It's 850 a month and heat, water and electricity are included! Yes this does mean that internet is not (obviously) and I'm not going to be able to set it up until November because there will be too many first expenses to do.

My dad has said though that he will get me my mattress as a house warming gift :O and my aunt said that she will get me a small decent tv for christmas :O :O and my mom is planning to get me a coat/shoe rack/bench thing if the dimensions fit :O. I am honestly so floored away because I wasn't expecting that! My plan was to continue using my bed (its a sofa bed) and then in January with my vacation pay from work to use that to buy my mattress (and my sofa bed will become my couch eventually) But this! I couldn't have expected this!

As excited as I am though it's really been hitting hard for me the fact that I am actually moving out for real this time. Like there's been instances in the past where I could have but financially I was just not solid enough. But now that I am able to it feels completely different! And it's been hard. It's been hard packing away my room. Right now my room consists of a few clean clothes to get me through until Sunday and my bed and the plants that get packed last in the truck. There is an echo in my room and it's been weird.

It's been years that I've been yearning to move out. Ever since 2006/2007/2008 where my relationship with my parents was just nothing but screaming matches. We have gotten better....or more tired and exhausted? and now ironically enough we're in a better place than we've been. So I feel pretty weird and odd at the fact that I am going away now. My dad is going through a rough time as I can tell. We actually had a really sentimental moment that was genuine and one that I've got to say I wasn't expecting. We haven't had a moment like that in like.........years. Probably since like 2000 or something ridiculous. He leans against my door frame and looks at me and says, "You know that if things don't turn out you have a place to come back to always." Yup it tugged at my heart strings!

It kinda makes me feel.....guilty? That I'm moving out? How sick is that? A thing that I used to pine for after is now something I wish I could avoid! What's wrong with me? But the truth is I need this for me. I need my space. I need space to grow. The truth is this: I'm terrified to be living on my own because now when I have my bad days.....I have nothing stopping literally like my parents sleeping in the other room or family dinners or you know..constant interaction. So I've been working on my coping skills but it's been so tough!

If there is one thing that is hard is having to work on yourself and building yourself back up. I had a complete breakdown two weeks ago. I was on the RT and I started bawling. I was feeling pretty shitty because of this cold thing going around and my body completely had no energy left. I started bawling because a) my head had been hurting for 3 days straight and b) my thoughts about myself and my body and pretty much everything about me was so freaking negative. I was wearing sunglasses thank god and my stop was next and was able to somehow keep myself together until I got home. Where I flung myself into bed at 6pm, wept for a bit and then passed out because of my body being exhausted and I woke up the next day at 9am. I've been picking up my pieces and climbing the ladder out of my blackhole once more.

I'm hoping that by moving out I can turn to good habits. Because of my budgeting I'll be eating all meals homemade and of course that makes it healthier. I'll be able to do a weeks worth of meals and portion them out in the fridge. I can stock my cupboards and fridge however I want to. No longer will I need to open the sweet/junk cabinet to get to the tall glasses stored on top! God that's going to be so invigorating. I can cook at whatever time of day! I can shower anytime at night. I don't have to worry about the person sleeping in the room. Oh god, I can't wait for that!

God it'll be so freeing. I can dedicate a part of my bedroom because it is pretty big into a workout area! My living room is where I'll be at most of the time anyways. My friend is creating me a foldable dining table where the table top hangs on the wall as an art piece almost. and the legs detach and I'll hide it under the sofa bed. Then I'll buy 6 folding chairs and hide it under the sofa bed as well. Because my place is tiny its either I have a dining room or a living room and because I won't be needing the dining table all the time that's what I'm going with. My sister is making me a custom coffee table as my gift from her The table top will feature...a sequence game board. All that I will have to do is make some game chips of buy game chips in the same colors and I have a game right on my table! That'll be awesome for get togethers and stuff.

Okay my hands are beat. And I have work at 9 so I should be heading to bed! 
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I guess I have two maybe three big things to announce today in the wee morning. Actually make that four.

 Started a massive binge of all Gordon Korman books. I can't believe I didn't read the Island or (especially) the Everest series he put out when I was in like grade 7. So gripping and short reads (because it's aimed at like ten year olds- lol.) I can finish each book during the ride to work and then another when i get on the subway to go home again and probably one more before bed.

I've been on a reading roll these days. So far this year I've read 30 books. (even when you combine all the Gordon Korman series I've read into a 'single' book) and a couple of graphic novels as well. Reading is going well, and I'm enjoying it :) And I've been buying lots of books.

a) I can close up the account and taking my dads name out. So now there's no way I can screw his credit rating as well.
b) Leaving me with only a credit card to worry about to pay off which is about 1200 and should be done my May.
c) My osap is steadily coming down. I'm trying to maintain paying $100 each paycheque regardless of the fact I only have to pay 100 a month.
d) I dropped the gym saving myself $65 a month. And soon, once I save up I'm switching to wind because $40 trumps $70 a month.
e) One the dang credit card is paid off know what that means? I can start saving all the extra cash I have to save up for moving out. f) I'm planning to hopefully have by the middle of August: 1st and last rent, plus two months rent safety net. I'll start looking for places in June/July.
g) finally, once credit card is all paid off I can close up my account and transfer to PC and save myself  $15 a month because I pay for my account with TD.
h) Despite all this budgeting that I'm trying to keep a hold off, I am allowing myself to buy $50 worth of books a month because in the midst of things I do deserve some luxuries otherwise I'll go crazy!

Mental Well-Being
a) I had a body positive day today. I may not be perfect but today that didn't seem to matter and that was pretty nice to feel that. I'm also happy because my bangs have passed that stage where you just want to chop them off because you literally cant do anything to them to make them look ok. But now they're looking great and also because I'm trying to limit the amount of hair straightening/ hairspray I use and taking proper vitamins to aid in hair growth I'm becoming more comfortable in the hair department. There's still a long ways to go but I finally feel sort of comfortable with the mop on top of my head.
b) and as always..I'm doing my best to get by. Taking it one day at a time.

Things aren't going well.
Stupid cold weather. That's it I'm outta here. You know it's cold when Thunder Bay is 20 degrees hotter than Toronto apparently. And this was also the cause for the cold water pipe bursting after it unfroze. It unleashed not only a wet door entrance but also it unleashed the fury. It's no lie, my parents haven't exactly been on the "communicating front" for years. It's all superficial talk. Groceries, family events, cleaning, nagging about any one of these things." But they simply don't talk. They get mad at each other too easily. Well since the pipe burst their relationship has also burst. Dads got enough, moms got enough. They both think they're right and they both think the other is to blame. So for the past two weeks, I have been tiptoing through my home to make sure that I don't step on any eggshells and say the wrong thing.

It's frustrating because for the first time in my life they actually CAN'T blame me for all their problems because for once (Hallejuiah) they acknowledge that it isn't my fault (phew!)But I've been taking it really hard. Not because they're trying to bring me into it or to pick a side. Neither am I upset that maybe them splitting up would be the best thing for the both of them. I'm taking it hard because I have to watch the two of them bicker. And it doesn't help that I'm also stuck in this house for a few more months. C'mon September!!!

And I'm becoming increasingly depressed and anxious over my body. Like it's just not happening, I was doing so well and now I'm back with the 20 pounds I managed to lose and another 10 *sigh* Going slowly back into the swing of things in terms of healthier proportions and stuff. But I'm just so tired of not being comfortable in my own skin. I feel like it's been one sick joke that I've been dumped into this body. My body doesn't feel like it's my body.

But I am going to try and keep positive so today was a good day because:

1. work went by smoothly and then i came home to my bed (my body is aching as I've gotten a chill or a cold over the weekend)
2. i made myself banana pancakes which were deliscious for dinner!
3. im in bed after i post this reading :3 (currently reading the House of Hades by Rick Riordan) ALSO
Rick why would you do this to me! It's not nice!
rick riordan the house of hades

Things to look forward to in March:

1. Chapters book order is going to be shipped on March 2nd ^____^
2. Big Brother Canada is starting I believe on March 23rd ^_____^
3. Bigger paycheques hopefully at work.....because basement shift..


Two Graphic Novels and a Hilarious Fiction 3-5/100
So in the past two days I have read three books. Two of them being graphic novels.

Mirror Mind - Tory Woolcott - 3/100

It's a graphic novel which discusses what it was like for the main character to grow up and go to school as she has dyslexia. There's not much more to say about it. Black and White and just bland.

Mirror Mind completes the: A Graphic Novel category.

Kids are weird: and other observations from parenthood - 4/100
Graphic novel but more like a collection of comic strips is how I would put it. There's some really funny ones. The one that I laughed way more than I should have "Don't forget guys- pee pee's on the loose!" LOL. what?

The Little Old Lady Who Broke All The Rules - Catharina Ingelman Sundberg.
So before I begin let me first show you the cover of this book.

So this was originally in Swedish. So I have to say that lately Swedish authors have got it going on! I mean there was the girl with the dragon tattoon and the 100-year old man who climbed out the window and disappeared. And now we have this. It's about this band of seniors "The League of Pensioners" who escape their horrible and dreadful retirement home and they decided to commit some crimes so that they can live in the Swedish prisons because those are luxurious compared to the home. Throughoughly entertained lots of twists and stuff and just so so so enjoyable. Read it all day today and finished!

The Little old lady who broke all the rules completes the: Book based entirely on it's cover.
(C'mon just look at the cover. I HAD to read this!)


Au Revoir, Crazy European Chick - 2/100
So first off, you take the book jacket off because the actual hard cover of it is so beautiful. On the front and back covers you have a lovely map of my favorite place: New York City. My overall thought of this book is that it's one of those books that take about an hour to read. It tries to thrill you ut it doesn't really work out that way, it was actually quite boring. Maybe as a thirteen-year old I would have enjoyed it more. Interesting concept but I just wish it was more fleshed out. But at least it's read completing book two out of a hundred. Also the caption from goodreads: "Ferris Bueller meets La Femme Nikita" yeah no way what a bad description. No.


Au Revoir, Crazy European Chick completes the: A book you can read in a day category.


So it's been a while. Here's how my week is going. Due to hand foot mouth disease that Zoey has gotten I've been taking care of Maya here at home so that she doesn't get it from her. She is leaving for Poland in a week and it'd be pretty rotten luck if she got it days before her trip. Thus far I have taken her to Chapters where she wanted to buy the Pokemon handbook (yes I, Aunt Ada am doing something right. :) ) And so we're walking around in the teen section looking at books and she notices a book cover where two guys are kissing.. needless to say we had a fairly interesting convo in the teen section. Then I found 50 shades of grey stuffed into the horror perfect author too no less. Found it pretty funny lol.

Tomorrow, I'm taking her to either Centre Islands if it doesn't rain or to the Science Center if it does rain. On Wednesday I am taking her to see How to Train Your Dragon 2 (which i am totally fan-girling atm and can't wait to see!)

All this brings me to this point. These past few days have been really eyeopening to me. This feeling of being depended upon. I remember when I was Maya's age I would go over to my aunt's house and I would spend entire weekends or weeks with them. It's such a weird feeling now that it has come full circle.

Also thanks to her being over I've been keeping busy which is a good thing. I haven't been doing too well and so it's a really nice distraction.


back tattoo1 done

I'm trying to do my best to hold on. But I don't think I can this time. 

What a weird fucking day ain't it.

I;m so frustrated. I can't stand holidays anymore. They are just no fun anymore. 


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