In my life, why do I

smile, to people who I would much rather kick in the eye

Updates Jan 1 - 25
I'm getting those creative juices flowing again.

But before I start, I must talk about this livejournal. It's pretty obvious that for a few years now I have not the spirit to write in here. I mean to, but it just doesn't feel right anymore. I spend so many days poring over this journal to a point where I ipdayed more than once a day at some points. That has been wonderful and it's something that I definitely don't regret doing. At the same time though, now I almost write here with guilt.

I need to find a way to incorporate this journal into present interests. Quite frankly, I'm not sure what those ways would be yet. But for now here is but a few glimpses into my life of some events that have passed since then:

1) I completed 110 books last year. Will admit it was a lot harder to accomplish but I preservered.
2) Only had one or two mental breakdowns and seemingly was able to get back on my feet both times. I haven't cut in...about four months approximately. It's a lot harder to do when you have your significant other living with you. I've been trying to get better with being me and accepting all of me as I am..
3) I actually managed to go the gym without having crippling anxiety about it. For now.
4) I am on to book 13 of the year. I am reading Red Rising by Pierce Brown.
5) I'm trying to be more creative not just in art ways but also in writing ways. I made my first two blackout poetries ever! I bought a book that was a nice size from the used bookstore at work. It's not so much writing as putting words together but it does at least help me compose things.
6) I'm going to try and at least rough write out a story this year, novel or short story, whatever. I also want to work on my grammar. Maybe I'll pick up a grammar book and freshen up? What good is a story if it's not told right? I'm also going to start carrying around a little book for possible book ideas to keep in mind.

That's all for now, I should be getting back to work....

all the best, Ada

Books in 2016. 100/110
So this year is drawing down to a close but my reading challenge is not! I'm really proud of myself for reach 100 books. I have 10 more to read by the end od 2016 and I'm pretty sure I will be able to complete it. So here is the list (uncompleted) of things I've read this year.

Fantastic Beasts and Where to Find Them
Image result for fantastic beasts and where to find them

I don't think I can even find the words right now. I'm glad I didn't watch any trailers, read any hype about it because quite simply, it was magical. It was amazing to experience the magic again of something "new." Need a blu-ray of this to add my HP collection <3

Any Common Desolation - Ellen Bass

Any Common Desolation

can be enough to make you look up
at the yellowed leaves of the apple tree, the few
that survived the rains and frost, shot
with late afternoon sun. They glow a deep
orange-gold against a blue so sheer, a single bird
would rip it like silk. You may have to break
your heart, but it isn’t nothing
to know even one moment alive. The sound
of an oar in an oarlock or a ruminant
animal tearing grass. The smell of grated ginger.
The ruby neon of the liquor store sign.
Warm socks. You remember your mother,
her precision a ceremony, as she gathered
the white cotton, slipped it over your toes,
drew up the heel, turned the cuff. A breath
can uncoil as you walk across your own muddy yard,
the big dipper pouring night down over you, and everything
you dread, all you can’t bear, dissolves
and, like a needle slipped into your vein—
that sudden rush of the world.


Then my realization became clearer.

I spoke to members of the community and listened to some of the complaints as to why they hated cops. I then did research on the facts. I also presented facts to these members of the community, and listened to their complaints in response. This is what I learned:

Complaint: Police always targeting us, they always messing with the black man.

Fact: A city where the majority of citizens are black (Baltimore for example) …will ALWAYS have a higher rate of black people getting arrested, it will ALWAYS have a higher rate of blacks getting stopped, and will ALWAYS have a higher rate of blacks getting killed, and the reason why is because a city with those characteristics will ALWAYS have a higher rate of blacks committing crime. The statistics will follow the same trend for Asians if you go to China, for Hispanics if you go to Puerto Rico, for whites if you go to Russia, and the list goes on. It’s called Demographics

Complaint: More black people get arrested than white boys.

Fact: Black People commit a grossly disproportionate amount of crime. Data from the FBI shows that Nationwide, Blacks committed 5,173 homicides in 2014, whites committed 4,367. Chicago’s death toll is almost equal to that of both wars in Iraq and Afghanistan, combined. Chicago’s death toll from 2001–November, 26 2015 stands at 7,401. The combined total deaths during Operation Iraqi Freedom (2003-2015: 4,815) and Operation Enduring Freedom/Afghanistan (2001-2015: 3,506), total 8,321.

Complaint: Blacks are the only ones getting killed by police, or they are killed more.

Fact: As of July 2016, the breakdown of the number of US Citizens killed by Police this year is, 238 White people killed, 123 Black people killed, 79 Hispanics, 69 other/or unknown race.

Fact: Black people kill more other blacks than Police do, and there are only protest and outrage when a cop kills a black man. University of Toledo criminologist Dr. Richard R. Johnson examined the latest crime data from the FBI’s Supplementary Homicide Reports and Centers for Disease Control and found that an average of 4,472 black men were killed by other black men annually between Jan. 1, 2009, and Dec. 31, 2012. Professor Johnson’s research further concluded that 112 black men died from both justified and unjustified police-involved killings annually during this same period.

Complaint: Well we already doing a good job of killing ourselves, we don’t need the Police to do it. Besides they should know better.

The more I listened, the more I realized. The more I researched, the more I realized. I would ask questions, and would only get emotional responses & inferences based on no facts at all. The more killing I saw, the more tragedy, the more savagery, the more violence, the more loss of life of a black man at the hands of another black man….the more I realized.

I haven’t slept well in the past few nights. Heartbreak weighs me down, rage flows through my veins, and tears fills my eyes. I watched my fellow officers assassinated on live television, and the images of them laying on the ground are seared into my brain forever. I couldn’t help but wonder if it had been me, a black man, a black cop, on TV, assassinated, laying on the ground dead,..would my friends and family still think black lives mattered? Would my life have mattered? Would they make t-shirts in remembrance of me? Would they go on tv and protest violence? Would they even make a Facebook post, or share a post in reference to my death?

All of my realizations came to this conclusion. Black Lives do not matter to most black people. Only the lives that make the national news matter to them. Only the lives that are taken at the hands of cops or white people, matter. The other thousands of lives lost, the other black souls that I along with every cop, have seen taken at the hands of other blacks, do not matter. Their deaths are unnoticed, accepted as the “norm”, and swept underneath the rug by the very people who claim and post “black lives matter”. I realized that this country is full of ignorance, where an educated individual will watch the ratings-driven news media, and watch a couple YouTube video clips, and then come to the conclusion that they have all the knowledge they need to have in order to know what it feels like to have a bullet proof vest as part of your office equipment, “Stay Alive” as part of your daily to do list, and having insurance for your health insurance because of the high rate of death in your profession. They watch a couple videos and then they magically know in 2 minutes 35 seconds, how you are supposed to handle a violent encounter, which took you 6 months of Academy training, 2 – 3 months of field training, and countless years of blood, sweat, tears and broken bones experiencing violent encounters and fine tuning your execution of the Use of Force Continuum. I realized that there are even cops, COPS, duly sworn law enforcement officers, who are supposed to be decent investigators, who will publicly go on the media and call other white cops racist and KKK, based on a video clip that they watched thousands of miles away, which was filmed after the fact, based on a case where the details aren’t even known yet and the investigation hasn’t even begun.

I realized that most in the African American community refuse to look at solving the bigger problem that I see and deal with every day, which is black on black crime taking hundreds of innocent black lives each year, and instead focus on the 9 questionable deaths of black men, where some were in the act of committing crimes. I realized that they value the life of a Sex Offender and Convicted Felon, [who was in the act of committing multiple felonies: felon in possession of a firearm-FELONY, brandishing and threatening a homeless man with a gun-Aggravated Assault in Florida: FELONY, who resisted officers who first tried to taze him, and WAS NOT RESTRAINED, who can be clearly seen in one of the videos raising his right shoulder, then shooting it down towards the right side of his body exactly where the firearm was located and recovered] more than the lives of the innocent cops who were assassinated in Dallas protecting the very people that hated them the most. I realized that they refuse to believe that most cops acknowledge that there are Bad cops who should have never been given a badge & gun, who are chicken shit and will shoot a cockroach if it crawls at them too fast, who never worked in the hood and may be intimidated. That most cops dread the thought of having to shoot someone, and never see the turmoil and mental anguish that a cop goes through after having to kill someone to save his own life. Instead they believe that we are all blood thirsty killers, because the media says so, even though the numbers prove otherwise. I realize that they truly feel as if the death of cops will help people realize the false narrative that Black Lives Matter, when all it will do is take their movement two steps backwards and label them domestic terrorist.

I realized that some of these people, who say Black Lives Matter, are full of hate and racism. Hate for cops, because of the false narrative that more black people are targeted and killed. Racism against white people, for a tragedy that began 100’s of years ago, when most of the white people today weren’t even born yet. I realized that some in the African American community’s idea of “Justice” is the prosecution of ANY and EVERY cop or white man that kills or is believed to have killed a black man, no matter what the circumstances are. I realized the African American community refuses to look within to solve its major issues, and instead makes excuses and looks outside for solutions. I realized that a lot of people in the African American community lead with hate, instead of love. Division instead of Unity. Turmoil and rioting, instead of Peace. I realized that they have become the very entity that they claim they are fighting against.

I realized that the very reasons I became a cop, are the very reasons my own people hate me, and now in this toxic hateful racially charged political climate, I am now more likely to die,... and it is still hard for me to understand…. to this day.

-Officer Jay Stalien

I read this article this morning and honestly..I felt the need to save this for myself to keep.


After Dallas Shooting, Black Cop Confronts BLM with Raw Honesty and America Needs to See It

Well well well....
look who we have here? Yes, it's me...realizing I haven't posted in a while. Damn it. Sorry. So because my workplace is closed for renovations I'm relocated to another branch and because of how laid back it is here....I'm not going to promise but I think I should be able to write more here. Though everytime I say that...the opposite ends up happening. So for properity's sake, I'm just going to say to disregard that part where I say, "I should be able to write more here."

But now let's started. Where have I been the past month? I've been working every single day minus an occaisional Saturday and every Sunday. I cam to the realization that I have spent way too much money on eating out. Basically because of my stupid schedule and running around town meeting up with people etc., I "haven't had the time nor the energy" [excuses] to do all homemade meals.

Which normally, wouldn't be a problem except that aside from breakfasts, which, I was sure to at least make at home, I have been eating lunch and dinner outside almost every day this month. After looking at my bank account...these excuses I've made for myself can no longer go on. Aside from Matt's grad dinner [where I paid for him and his mom as a treat] and other special events, I managed to spend ........................$287........................... on take out. That's right you read that right. Pretty bad eh?

So now it's no excuses I've got to get myself under control. That's how much I should have spent in about 2.5 months....not a month....

for now that is all as I have to get back. 

Close call.

That terrifying moment when you’re on your way from your doctors to renew your prescription of anti-depressants/mental checkin..and you see your mom on the intersection.. (Back story to this is I’ve been hiding my depression from my parents since like 2007 ish –long story) [ I moved out on my own in October and have finally been able to deal with everything that I’ve been working on hiding all this time] So to see her there I panicked and I ducked out of the way and begged the divine intervention for her not to turn around (I guess she was going to the dentists or something)

Kinds of Love

Just going to leave this here because I think it is incredibly cute. It's the little things that show love not the big flashy things. 

I know.... I know...I've majorly failed in keeping up to date with this journal. I haven't even been writing in my written one either. I know it's an excuse that I don't have the time to just sit and write. Because truly it's bullshit that I can't "find the time."

I guess it's just because I've been trying to keep up with things from day to day. Most days I'm busy and I spend my days at the office as that's where I am currently. And then when I'm not I try to make it so I don't have a quiet minute with myself because to be honest, my mind hasn't been all that good. For the past maybe two weeks or so I've been getting bad to the point where I've been wanting to hurt myself. But I've been keeping myself at bay. And also as bad as it sounds...because Molly and I wrestle and she lightly scratches me as we hold on to each other. So I am still harming myself vicariously through something/one else. Which isn't good.......but .....yeah... Seeing my doctor next week so we'll see how that goes. 


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